As salamu aleikum, Beautiful 🙂 After rather too long Eid break let’s come back and tackle something that runs through every wives head: why husbands never change?
You can tell from your personal experience that as much you change and adapt to your husband’s and quite often his family’s ways of being (especially if you live with them) it makes no difference in your marriage. The husband still carries on as if marriage have not changed his life. Even if you have kids latter the free bird is your husband, not you.
Why is that? I’m glad you asked.
Lack of emotional intelligence. We women have the pre-installed fine-tuned emotional center that enables us to read in between the lines, feel someone’s emotional state and adapt to the changes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving excuses to your husbands behaviour, but there are two things you must know to have a great marriage:
1. Change comes from within the person and almost no effort from outside can impact him. If he refuses to change or he thinks he doesn’t need to change you are in for a disappointing journey to try and change him.
2. Husbands don’t read their wives minds. If the wife doesn’t talk straight forwards, its very likely that the husband doesn’t even know she is keeping something inside her. He can’t take any action if he is not aware that there are any problems at all.
So what should you do?
Open the gates of communication. It may not work out instantly and you have to be prepared for that.
For example, if you expect your husband to make certain adjustments after marriage you need to tell straight what are those and how he can accommodate your expectations. Just to reiterate, change comes from within. Therefore, he may agree to your request or he may not.
So to find a balance you need to find a right moment to talk (as a wife you really know when is the right moment) and say that in order for your marriage to work and be productive there needs to be somewhere a middle ground for that to happen. No blaming, no name calling and no nasty nor hurtful words can be present during this conversation.
It’s a talk between two married people, not a battle ground.
Have two pieces of paper and two pens ready. Ask your husband to write down 3 basic needs he needs to have fulfilled in order to feel happy, fulfilled, etc.. And you need to write 3 things too (if you pass on this part, because he already should have known, then, girl, no one will be able to help you. Husbands understand clear and straight forward instructions. Period). If you write down that you need, for example, attention or more time with you, help with the kids, etc., give specific examples of what that would look like. It’s not because your husband is dumb, it’s because this way you can save yourself disappointment (remember that husbands don’t read wives minds?) and avoid heartaches, because your sanity is the most precious thing that you should hold onto.
Going further with the exercise, after you both have your lists it’s time to talk. What are the things you are already doing and you can compliment each other for doing so and what are the things that there needs to be an improvement?
Remember, that when you talk about anything, talk from your perspective and how you feel about it. Don’t make any excuses, if something just drive you nuts, say it! Don’t blame your husband, just say how it feels to you. No marriage ever improved without open conversations, even though they are not the most nicest ones.
And if your husband says something that just pierces your heart, keep composed and say ‘These words really hurt me’ instead of just calling him a jerk.
Hopefully the conversation went well and both feel committed to adhere to each others lists. Now what?
IF you see your husband is putting an effort, give him some slack, tell him how much does his efforts means to you and carry on, until these 3 things becomes inseparable part of your two lives. If you feel the need to readjust later on, please, by all means do so. Every couple years you could check whether the list of most important things haven’t changed.
What to do if your husband goes of the track? Gently remind him. If that persists, then stop doing the things he loves until he also gives you some love. Fair is fair.
That’s it for today’s blog post.
Till next time.
Stay awesome. Be yourself.
As salamu aleikum,
Veronika al Mahdiyah.
Ps. Need some personalized help in your marriage or with your oh-so-lovely-in-laws? Email me at email@example.com and let’s have a talk 😉