As salamu aleikum, Beautiful:) Over years of working with Muslim women I have noticed that there are some certain ‘cliche’ problems in marriage, as if they MUST be done. Whether it is the in-laws, communication issues or just differences that make marriages unbearably frustrating and unsatisfying. More than that, there is ONE huge mistake that mainly wives do that makes any further efforts almost useless.
They sacrifice their sanity for the sake of ‘happy’ marriage.
And this is so basic and I’m sure you was looking for some fancier answer, but that’s what it is.
‘Oh, I will ignore the shortcoming of my in-laws’
‘I will never be the one who complains’
‘I thought that will never happen to me’
That’s the very typical scenario that I am witnessing these days.
Let me share with you a ‘secret’ – you cannot change anyone else, neither you can control them, be it people or environment.
Save yourself. Do not allow anyone’s drama into your precious space.
AND you do not have nor MUST for that matter sacrifice any of your beliefs, but some may need to be more in the background, just saying.
Imagine, you are at your in-laws house and there are some stuff that you do not like (relax, it’s just an example). Be it the in-laws themselves or other family members who drive you absolutely nuts.
Oh, those sugar free snacks you packed for your kids, they are crying right now in the corner. Candies took over. And other sad stories of how hard the in-laws can ignore your petty attempts to save your kids from diabetes in adulthood. We all have been there.
What happens next? You patiently wait until you get in the car…
And then it starts ‘Your family is doing this and that, they do not respect me, my parenting. It’s because I’m (insert here anything)’.
The husband is very likely back lashing about how insensitive and disrespectful you are, how your family is not the Family of the Year themselves and if he knew that before marrying you, he would have thought twice before doing it (sounds familiar?).
So now you go home. Couple days of not talking. You are fuming and feel that your opinion and feelings were disrespected.
Maybe you keep all the ‘minor’ issues inside you and pretend like your in laws, differences and other x, y and z stuff are a piece of cake and you are OK with that/them.
But for how long?
And if you have kept it for too long you know that your marriage lingers on the brink of divorce.
Because you sacrificed your sanity over peaceful marriage.
It doesn’t feel peaceful at all. You cannot contain all the grudge, pain and frustration so you invisibly nag your husband into insanity.
You have a freakin’ right to nag him, girl, but for how long?
In this situation you either have the choice to sit dawn and talk with your husband on how to find a middle ground for your issues or choose which ones to let go.
How do you react to the issues that are present?
Do you get frustrated, you talk it out or you shut down? Keep it for too long inside and it WILL get nasty. Tried and tested. Works every time.
How do you express your feelings?
You show how you feel, you pick a fight or you calmly address them?
One big tip here, when you talk with your husband about some issues always start with ‘I feel…’, ‘I want…’. Basically talk how you feel instead of naming the wrongdoings of others.
a) they cannot get defensive against YOUR feelings;
b) you have the right to feel as YOU like. Period;
And, please please please, for all that is dear to you in this world (besides chocolate), do not ever sacrifice your sanity.
Deal with what you can and let other stuff go.
Your in-laws drive you nuts and your husband cannot deal with that? Then either find a way to deal with them yourself or find alternative ways to make the family visits more bearable.
Your husband does not want to talk over marriage issues? Find a moment when he is most likely to listen and do the ‘I feel…’ talk. Ask him what is he looking in the marriage too and find a middle ground that you both can stick to. Write it down. I recommend 3 MUSTS for each to start with (you need hugs, he needs, you know yourself the number one 😀 )
Fight over parenting style? Make the rules that you both need to stick to. For example, if one says no then the other also gives the same answer, so that the kids will know that mum and dad are one team.
There are more ways on how to gently ease your husband into an amazing marriage that you both are happy about and I do tailor made suggestions for sisters according to their character type and situation (not everything works for everyone). Contact me if interested.
Never. Ever. Sacrifice. YOUR. Sanity.
No one and nothing is more important than you keeping your sanity and peace of mind in check and avoiding drama like a plague.
I hope you enjoyed this blog post. If you did, share it with your friends. If you didn’t like it, well, I guess I’m OK with that.
Take care of yourself, Sis!
As salamu aleikum,
Veronika al Mahdiyah.
You want to have an amazing marriage? Let’s work together and I will help you to figure it out, in shaa Allah. Email me at email@example.com