As salamu aleikum. One of the most important need is to be loved ‘the right way’ in marriage. All of us we are different, thus, we want to be loved in our own way. For some it may be hearing compliments and feeling appreciated, for some actions speak louder than words. But how to communicate that to your spouse? How to guide him into the ‘love path’?
As you may already know, the way you see ‘right way’ of loving and the way your husband sees that are completely different and hardly have anything in common. Your husband may appreciate more actions than words, while you crave him to say nice words to you even if you have kid vomit on your shoulder (it happens;).
In the beginning of marriage you waited for him to transform into romantic macho, who would be able to win your heart with a blink, hug and 3 words (I LOVE YOU, not ‘Come to bed’).
With years passing by you may have started to actively ‘encourage’ him to embark on ‘this is the way I want you to love me’ path, but instead of positive change you found yourself on ‘You are never happy’ road, where your husband has lost the interest even to try, just because he felt he failed so hard previously.
If you are already way into marriage or you just got married (Congratulations!), you probably want to nudge your darling into loving you ‘the right’ way (I keep repeating it, but there are no actual standard of ‘right way’ of loving. Everyone have their own preferences, you may want just to exchange with your husband the things and actions you do for one another in order to fulfill and live your marital happiness).
Keep reading, cause now is the practical part.
There is one coaching exercise that will help you to find out how you can make your husband to feel loved and how can he fulfill your love needs.
I have to be upfront, but you WILL have to put an effort into fulfilling his love needs too, even if you don’t really feel like doing anything (I’m sure you are tired of hearing all this advice on how to be a good wife, otherwise your husband does not have to fulfill your needs and whatever nonsense is out there, but marriage is a relationship where BOTH need to give and take, and I’m here to help you have your needs heard, met and fulfilled).
So this one exercise is very simple and pretty straight forward.
Sit down with your husband and ask him to write 3 things he needs you to do, so that he would feel loved (he likes clean house, nice food, adult time, respect, etc).
Then you need to present him with your list.
For example, you want him to:
- Compliment your looks, your achievements, your skills (be it cooking or anything else);
- You want him to keep close physical contact (kisses, hugs, etc.)
- You want him to be more romantic, to surprise you;
Make sure to list the 3 most important things, that will really matter. This is the time for you to express your needs, not to suck it up.
If you want to be heard, you need to be very clear on what you want.
Appreciate his needs and develop a plan how to accommodate things, so that you both could enjoy your marriage.
Write down only 3 things, as to stick to more it may be harder to and you both may end giving it up.
Present your lists to one another and shortly explain why you have chosen THESE and why it is important to you.
No nagging and no blaming. Look forwards to spending great time together.
It may take time to implement the 3 most important needs into your lives and fulfill one another’s, but without persistence and a real effort you will not have the marriage, where you would feel loved, heard and have your needs met.
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Would like to find out more on how to improve your marital life? Leave a comment below or send me and email with your question: firstname.lastname@example.org and I will get back to you, in shaa Allah.
As salamu aleikum,
Veronika al Mahdiyah 🙂